


how am i supposed to carry on?

by siron



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Adult Gon Freecs, Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Best Friends to Lovers, Bisexual Killua Zoldyck, F/M, Female Gon Freecs, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Genderbending, Ging isnt the best father but he gets better, Hisoka Is Still Creepy But Only Has Pedophile Subcontext, Hunter Annual Ball, I apologize for the heteronormativity, Illumi Is Trying To Be A Better Brother, Killua's Depression, M/M, Married Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Teen Pregnancy, Tho its not explicitly said, Trans Alluka Zoldyck, Unplanned Pregnancy, Young Love, no beta we die like men, pansexual Gon Freecs, that doesnt excuse the fact that they are canonically bad people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29032623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siron/pseuds/siron
Summary: Gon breathes in the salty air and let out a breathy sigh. Her eyes are towards the millions of stars in the sky, stars you can’t see anywhere else in the world. Stars that are special to Whale Island. She shared these stars with Killua, and eventually Alluka when they visited 2 and a half months ago. The three of them shared everything when Killua and his younger sister spent three weeks with Gon, after they had taken a break from travelling the world. Snacks, a tent, her room and bathroom, was all theirs during their visitation.However, there was one thing she didn’t share with Alluka, but she did with Killua, and now she had to pay the price for it.teen pregnancy au
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Ging Freecs & Gon Freecs, Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Gon Freecs' Great-Grandmother | Abe, Gon Freecs & Hisoka, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Mito Freecs, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck (backround relationship), Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	1. orion

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize for the heteronormativity. i prefer regular Killua and regular Gon, but this idea came to me at like 4 am and if i didnt write it i would spontaneously combust.

_How do I phrase this… How do you tell a person, someone who has been your best friend for four years, that your pregnant?_

Gon breathes in the salty air and let out a breathy sigh. Her eyes are towards the millions of stars in the sky, stars you can’t see anywhere else in the world. Stars that are special to Whale Island. She shared these stars with Killua, and eventually Alluka when they visited 2 and a half months ago. The three of them shared everything when Killua and his younger sister spent three weeks with Gon, after they had taken a break from travelling the world. Snacks, a tent, her room and bathroom, was all theirs during their visitation.

However, there was one thing she didn’t share with Alluka, but she did with Killua, and now she had to pay the price for it.

Her legs dangled over the cliff, swinging back and forth unconsciously. Underneath her was the ocean, and she could hear the rough waves splash against the rocks. She has dived off this cliff many times in her youth, but she wouldn’t dare do it now. Precious cargo, her Aunt Mito had called it but Gon wouldn’t call it precious so much cargo. Speaking of Aunt Mito, she would probably want her back by now, but she didn’t want to move. It’s not like she could anyways. So, she stayed there, gazing at the stars, moonbeam shining brightly on her face, and she could have sworn she felt a tear fall down her face.

( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

She put off telling Killua for about a month, but to be completely fair that’s how long she known. Its not like she would know what to say. Aunt Mito told her to just tell him through email, but Grandma said that this was not something you say online, but in person. Eventually Aunt Mito had agreed with her and told Gon to invite him over again, but Gon really didn’t want to. She didn’t have he courage to see him face to face. Gon rarely was embarrassed, but the thought of saying anything about her situation to anyone other than Aunt Mito and Grandma mortified her. Gon had told them she would never tell Killua, that she didn’t have the heart too.

“This is not up for discussion Gon. You need to tell him, Killua deserves to know. This doesn’t just affect you, it affects him to, it does for everyone close to you.” Her aunt had scolded her after she told them her plans. “At this point, it doesn’t even matter how you tell him now, its irrelevant. The important thing is that you tell him. I know for a fact that he loves you. I’ve seen how Killua looks at you, and there is no doubt in my eyes that he’s head over heels for you.”

“But I don’t even know what to say. Its complicated, there’s no way you would understand.” Gon muttered back at her Aunt.

“Then make me understand.” Aunt Mito was just met with silence. She sighed and closed her eyes, placed her hand in Gon’s hair, and slightly ruffled it. “Tell him or I will.”

( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

After her talk with Aunt Mito, Gon went to bed. She would be busy tomorrow, because it was the last week of school, which meant finals. Social Services sent Gon a packet of work to complete, alongside thick, hard-cover textbooks. Every five months she had finals, and this would be the last one she took before the beginning of next school year. She would have to get up early, and make her way to the towns center, where a representative would proctor her test.

Gon never looked forward to tests, but when she was finally done, she could rest and relax for two months. She would be able to explore the woods (carefully, because Aunt Mito told her too) and beaches. She could get a summer job helping catch fish, although it was not like she needed to. There was multiple things to do over summer.

Telling Killua was one of them.

As she made her way down to the towns center, she had gotten many hello’s, and how are you’s, but in un-Gon-like fashion, she ignored them. She didn’t feel like talking to these people. She knew all their names, about them, and about their families, but to her, they were basically strangers. She could see the looks of shock on the people’s face. It was like they were judging her, staring at her with those piercing gazes. She was known for being a happy-go-lucky girl, always giving off smiles and positive energy, but now it was like she was an emotionless lump.

It didn’t bother Gon, because she had finals to do, and she needed to focus on those instead.

( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

After completing her tests, she headed to the woods close to her house. She entered the it and saw the same old overgrown vines, the boulder next to the rotting tree, and the luscious moss carpets that grew on the tree roots, alongside the mushrooms that made their home right next to it. Gon listened to the soft songs of birds, and the rustling of tree branches caused by the wind. She picked up the pace a bit, jogging slowly through the forest.

_This is overwhelming, I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t take this._

Thin twigs slapped her in the face ash she started sprinting, but she was so pump full of adrenaline that she didn’t feel a thing. Gon kept moving forward, despite her body screaming painfully at her. This couldn’t be good for her, but at the moment she couldn’t care.

_It doesn’t bother me, just push it in the back of your mind._

The sun filtered through the trees, and slightly obscured her vision as she ran for god knows how long. She was winded, but she had to keep going. She had to get her mind off of things, she needed to relax. Ever since Gon found out about her situation, it seemed as Aunt Mito had put a lot of stress on her and how she was taking care of herself, making sure she ate 3 meals a day, got mild exercise, and made sure she didn’t put herself in danger, like she was prone to do. Gon knew she meant well, but it was overbearing. If she were anywhere else, she would have options to choose from, but Whale Island had no OB/GYN.

Aunt Mito knew that. She knew there were options, and she told Gon, but it wasn’t like there was anything she could do. The nearest OB/GYN was on Litler Island that was 2 days away. Gon had though about going, but 2 days on the ocean while having bad morning sickness didn’t go hand in hand. Besides, she told Aunt Mito that she would keep the baby and wouldn’t abandon it like Ging did to her.

Her tiredness finally caught up with her, and she collapsed on the soft mossy floor. She heaved in and out as she tried to take in as much air as her burning lungs would allow. She gasped as a sharp pain went up her side, and she had to lay on her back, with her arms on the ground, squishing her head.

Back when she took the Hunter exam, she ran 80 kilometers without being so tired, now she can’t even run 30 minutes without her collapsing. Its bad enough she had to relearn her nen abilities all over again after she lost it following her fight with Pitou, but ever since finding out she was pregnant it seemed like her athletic abilities have gone down the drain. It seemed like this baby was sucking all her energy out, like a parasite.

When her breathing gradually became normal again, she got on her hands and knees and sobbed and screamed her heart out.

( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

“Did you do good on your finals?” Aunt Mito asked Gon as she came through the front door. Whatever she was making smelt amazing. If she noticed her red, swollen face that was streaked with tears, then she didn’t say anything. Gon was grateful for that.

“The exam results won’t come back until two weeks before the new school year, so I don’t know. I studied pretty hard so I should at least have a decent grade.” Gon replied with a thick nasally voice caused by her crying.

“That’s good. I’m making ramen, so take a bath and wash up, you stink.” Aunt Mito said as she pulled Gon in to kiss her forehead.”

Gon listened to her aunt and headed upstairs to wash up. She entered the shower and turned the heat up almost all the way. She could feel herself relax as the hot water cascaded down her sore body, and she stayed under the shower head until her Aunt yelled at her to hurry up, so she scrubbed shampoo and conditioner through her thick, wavy hair, scrubbed her face ad body, then dried herself off in the shower.

She put on a soft, fuzzy sage green(her favorite color) cardigan over a white tank top, and baggy, light grey sweatpants. As she headed downstairs, she looked at the many pictures of her as a toddler. There were no pictures of her under two years old, as her father never took any, and if he did, he never gave them to Aunt Mito.  
When she sat down in the dining room, Aunt Mito immediately put down a steaming bowl of ramen, topped with scallions, eggs, and beef.

“Thank you for the food.” Gon said as she bowed her head.

After saying her prayers, she wolfed the food down as fast as possible, leaving no time for her to taste and savor it. Gon had a stray noodle on her cheek, but she payed no attention as she slurped down the broth. When she was done with her ramen, she picked up her cup of orange juice, and downed that too. She tried to thank Aunt Mito for the food again and leave, but she was stopped in her tracks.

“Gon. I know this is hard, but you need to tell Killua. Today. Before it’s too late, before you regret it.” Mito looked at her with worried eyes.

Gon hated how Aunt Mito looked at her. Like a person who was looking at a wounded and dying animal. So chalk full of sympathy, and it made her angry. Aunt Mito didn’t understand. Gon may have been her daughter, but she had no biological children of her own, so she didn’t know how she felt. However, saying something about it would cause problems, and solve nothing. So instead of getting all mad at her aunt, she glanced at her silently, and walked upstairs to her room.

( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )

_To Killua Zoldyck_  
_luazoldyck99@hmail.com_  
_From Gon Freecss_  
_gogofreaks405@hmail.com_  
_Subject- None_

_Killua,_

_How have you been? I’ve missed you and Alluka from when you came to visit a few months ago. We’ve only seen each other twice since The World Tree. Crazy, huh? We went from seeing each other every day for two years, to barely seeing each other. It seems like our friendship changed too, I can’t explain it how, but it did. I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing…_

_Anyways, school has been let out for the summer, and there is something I have to tell you._

_I would do it over email, but I can’t. So please email me back so we can set something up for when you’re free._

_XX_  
_Gon_


	2. vega

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

Found out Aunt Mito was 23 when Gon left to get his Hunter License. I thought she was older, but ig not.  
To Gon Freecss  
gogofreaks405@hmail.com  
From Killua Zoldyck  
luazoldyk99@hmail.com  
Subject- Time and Date

Gon,  
Me and Alluka could never be better, and she says she misses you too. As do I, of course. The world Tree was about two years ago, so seeing each other twice in two years is not a lot. We could always try and visit more. Our friendship did change throughout the years we’ve known each other, I think it has gotten stronger.

I don’t understand our relationship though. We had a couple nights together on Whale Island, and then we never spoke of it again, and it was really confusing.

You said you had something you had to talk tome about in person, and I know just the time and date. In two weeks, there is the Annual Hunter Ball. I didn’t know it was a thing until Alluka asked me to take her as a plus one, but since you have your hunters license, I was wondering if you’d go with me. I know Leorio and Kurapika will be there, we haven’t all been together in so long. It would be easier to text the details instead of email, so keep an eye out for a text.

XX,  
Killua

______________________

Gon was lying on the cliff again, with her arms and legs sprung out like a spider. It was a hot day, so she wore shorts and a t-shirt, and had her hair tied back in a braid. Small droplets of sweat gathered along her hairline, and her face was slightly pink from the temperature. Summers back home are always full of blazing heat and scorching suns, but never had it felt as hot as it had been now. The air had been so humid, that it was stifling her breath and making her braided hair frizzy all over.

The view she had was amazing as it always was. A big vast ocean expanded all around her, in shades of blues, greens, and grays. The sunlight glistened off the water and glared back at her, and the waves would froth up the water as they hit the nearby rocks. The sky was a painting warm colors, different shades of oranges, yellows, purples, and pinks. Clouds drifted by slowly, picking up some of the colors from the sky. 

It was all picturesque, just like how it always was.

Gon read the email from Killua over and over again. He had said their relationship didn’t make sense to him, and honestly, for her it didn’t either. All these complicated feelings drove her crazy, and she wished it was back to the good old days, before teenage hormones complicated everything. She didn’t know where they stood, but hoped they were friends at least. They could have had the potential to become more, but she felt that she had messed it up by not saying or speaking anything to him after what they did.

Its what she preferred, being friends rather than being lovers. Being together would mess up a good friendship, and she didn’t want that. Besides, she had other things to worry about, and the thought of being in a relationship seemed ridiculous to her. The plan to tell Killua had already sprung into action, despite the fact that when she faced him, she wouldn’t know what to say, know what to feel, know what to think. All these emotions rushed to her head, and she couldn’t process them all correctly. 

She could go on and on about her feelings for Killua, platonic and romantic, but at this moment she couldn’t figure out the difference between the two. She loved the way he looked at her when he thought she wasn’t paying attention. It seemed to Gon that it was pure and sweet, and it gave her butterfly’s in her stomach. Killua was the best part of her life, and without him she would have never made it this far. Killua to her was like the moon blessed the ocean with its beam. He was a cozy winter, making her feel like she was wrapped up in warm blankets on a snowy day. Despite all these feelings, she still just wanted to remain friends, and nothing more.

Before meeting Killua, it wasn’t like her life was boring, actually the opposite. She would spend her days exploring Whale Island until she knew it like the back of her hand. She knew which plants were edible, and which ones would kill you even if you only had one taste. She knew which animals were friendly, and which ones would attack without second thought. She knew where the best spot on the beach was. The fisherman down by the docks often called her down to help load up any fish they caught that day and would always reward her with warm smiles and ruffling of her hair. This was her home, and she felt a special connection.

But at that moment it felt like a prison cell.

Her phone vibrated and flashed right next to her. Thinking that it was the text she was waiting for from Killua, she grabbed it quickly and glanced at her screen. Instead it was a text from Ging. Her fast beating heart calmed down, and she couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. Sure, she loved Ging, even though he did abandon when she was two too continue his job of being a Hunter. She ended up being put into Aunt Mito’s care, when Aunt Mito was barely even a teenager herself.

Ging  
going to the ball. see u their

She shouldn’t be surprised that he didn’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re. He was street smart but didn’t exactly seem book smart. It was a trait she inherited from him actually, but she studied her ass off to become intelligent, while he seemed like the type to sit in the back of the classroom and sleep while the teacher gave a lecture.

She sighed, annoyed, and continued her spider-like position. Gon wished she had something cool to drink while she absentmindedly stared at the clouds and their formations. A cool glass of lemonade would do the trick, but Aunt Mito didn’t make any, and she didn’t have her bank book on her for her to go buy some. Its not like she could drink the seawater anyways, so she decided to just go back home and get her money, then go out to buy some ingredients for lemonade.

Aunt Mito would probably want her home anyways.

______________________

“Aunt Mito I’m home!” Gon called out. “I cant stay for long though because I have to go to the store!”

“When you go will you pick me up some red chili peppers? I ran out and I need them t make dinner!” She heard Aunt Mito call back.

“Ok!”

She ran upstairs, past her great grandmother, and into her room, which had stayed the same ever since she came back to Whale Island. The only difference was that her bed was bigger. Gon spotted her bank book on her dresser, which was messy with wrappers and dirty clothes. She would have to clean it pretty soon, despite the fact that it got messy without her even trying. 

She pulled her hair out of its frizzy braid and ran a brush right through it. It was still all messed up, but when she took a shower that night, she’d make sure it was taken care of. Even though she wanted her hair to look nice, she couldn’t be bothered with it at the moment. It was on the bottom of her priority list. Gon still had her mind on the text Killua was supposed to text her. How long did it take to send a message?

She didn’t have to wait much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a whole lot shorter than intended :/ but thats cuz i wanted to release the chapter on my bday.
> 
> lol yeah so its my bday ig :p

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading :) Have an amazing day!


End file.
